Ten Ways to Show Love to Your Kids
Although it was easy for me to show parental love to my kids when they were infants and toddlers through constant care, frequent cuddling, and sweet words, demonstrating my love as they grew was sometimes more of a challenge.
As the mother of four (mostly grown) kids - three sons and a daughter - I have learned that when kids enter the school ages, they begin to go through inevitable ups and downs as they learn to follow the rules, socialize with others, and meet demands outside of the home. During these seasons, it becomes harder to let them know how much we care. Grumpy days, full schedules, and growing independence can create barriers to affection, eating away at opportunities to affirm, hug, or spend quality time together.
As adolescents enter the teen years, with the incumbent hormone surges, bids for independence, and separation from childhood, showing our love can become even harder. The challenges may differ - a battle about their clothing or friend choices, behavioral issues, or our adjustment to the rapid changes in them - but in all of these times, right when our sons and daughters need our love the most, it is often the most difficult to express.
Setting limits and holding kids accountable for their actions are some of the most important ways we love our children during all seasons, but they can also create a negative environment. It can be challenging to seek positive ways to show care for them. I have learned that despite my best efforts, traditional attempts have sometimes backfired. At different ages, my kids have gone through stages of resisting hugs, being less available to spend time together because they would rather be with friends, or even dismissing my words of affirmation because they thought I was biased.
What can a parent do throughout all phases of development to demonstrate love? Here are ten ideas that have worked for me:
1. Look children in the eye when they talk. Sometimes in my determination to finish what I have started, it is hard to tear myself away when one of my kids seeks my attention. Although it is frustrating to be interrupted, I always regret not stopping what I am doing and giving them my full attention whenever possible. Listening well is one of the most loving things we can offer our kids. Yes, it's a struggle sometimes, and we have other important tasks to attend to, but giving them our full attention is critical.
2. Read aloud with them or listen to an audiobook together. Keep reading aloud together even after your child has learned to read independently. Sharing stories provides an intimate time of connection in an otherwise busy world. This sweet time opens space for good conversation, not only about the book you are reading but about life. Reading aloud has the bonus of being memorable family entertainment that doesn't involve a screen. In my experience, even teenagers enjoy hearing stories. If it feels uncomfortable to read aloud, apps like Audible offer a perfect way to listen to a great story together.
3. Eat around the table at every possible opportunity. If dinner isn't an option, figure out why it's not an option. Is it a timing issue? Can you eat later or earlier? If dinner together isn't possible, what about breakfast before school? If the school year schedule is too difficult, make it happen in the summer. If weekdays are tough, emphasize meals together on weekends. It doesn’t matter if it’s take-out or homemade. The important part is to sit around the table together and share about your day whenever possible.
4. Respond, don't react. This one can be challenging and takes practice. When your child has the inevitable emotional outburst, they can push buttons that make you feel like escalating right along with them. Instead, try staying calm and not responding immediately. Rather than reacting, try waiting. When the pressure is building and emotions are boiling, we can make our kids feel better and not worse by offering a loving response, not an angry one. Showing sympathy and understanding instead of knee-jerk reactions like frustration, anger, or interrogation can release the building pressure during interactions with our kids and make them feel loved. This skill is challenging, and I am still practicing 20+ years after becoming a parent. It has helped me to memorize Bible verses, such as Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
5. Encourage their dreams. When my oldest son was 11, he shared a dream about his future vocation with me, and I proceeded to tell him how hard that would be to achieve. I thought I was helping to spare him disappointment by sharing a dose of the reality about an industry in which few succeeded. I quickly realized my mistake when I saw the look on his face. I have never crushed another dream. The realities of life will introduce themselves – we don't have to be the ones to throw cold water on their hopes. And sometimes, their dreams do come true. Be the one who helped them to succeed, not the one they seek to prove wrong.
6. Share hope with them & don't steal their joy. No matter how crazy the world gets, remain optimistic about the future. Don't tell them how hard old age is, how bad the world is, how much better things used to be, or how terrible their generation is. They read pessimistic news each day. What they need from us is encouragement and hope, not more negativity. I frequently turn to Philippians 4:8, which reminds me to think about whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, or worthy of praise.
7. Laugh together. Be the grown-up, but one with a sense of humor. Have inside jokes. Read the comics out loud. Watch comedies on television together. Write down funny things they say or humorous stories that occur in your family and share them at New Year's. My kids never tire of being reminded of the hilarious things they said when they were younger. When I remember these things, they feel special.
8. Surprise with an act of service. Clean their room, do their laundry, or wash their car when they are very stressed and busy. Don't point it out. If they mention it, simply say, "I love you and want you to know I am here to support you whenever you need it." We all feel more loved when someone serves us with a willing spirit, with no expectations of reciprocation.
9. Help them to fail well. Help your kids up when they fall and be there for them without "fixing"; instead, give them the tools to fix problems themselves. Rather than saying, "I told you so," listen. Not attempting to fix things and simply being present might sometimes feel like tough love. But it reaps lifelong rewards in their lives in the form of resilience and self-reliance and gives them the added benefit of knowing that they aren't alone in life's difficult times. As a life-long “fixer,” it is very challenging for me not to jump in and attempt to solve my kids’ problems. But the times when I have been able to restrain myself and be an encourager rather than a fixer have drawn me closer to them.
10. Share your faith with them. This is the most important of all the ways to show love to our children (or anyone). Not only does sharing faith show them the reason for your hope, but it also helps them connect with you spiritually and teaches them to develop their spiritual life – something that can sustain them long after you are no longer around to show love daily. How we share our faith differs - in our family, we share it by attending church together, encouraging Christian friendships, and talking about our faith. I also record prayers for each child in a journal to give them one day when they are grown. Sharing the gift of God's salvation and hope through Christ is the only way to fill their empty places and help them lead a life of peace and joy. What better way to love them?
During all of the phases, battles, and dramas of child-rearing, it’s critical to keep our ultimate goal in mind: to raise children who know they are loved by God and by us as parents. Although day-to-day life and the incumbent challenges of child-rearing can make this difficult, our kids will ultimately mature to a different stage and outgrow many of the problems they face. But they will never outgrow our love for them and will carry it with them long after we are gone.
How do you show love to your kids? Which of these suggestions might be most challenging for you and why? What verses have strengthened or encouraged you in parenting? Have you felt more distant from your child(ren) in different phases, and how did you overcome that? What could you do differently to demonstrate your love if you feel disconnected from your child(ren)?