The Universal Relationship
“The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out.
It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
From The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis
After a creative and persistent Google search, I was delighted recently to find and order a book I have been trying to locate for many years. The book, called Petey, by Ben Mikaelsen, was one I had read to the kids when they were little, then gave away. The story resonated with me, and I decided to reread it this summer, but finding it was challenging because I couldn't recall the title or the author.
Based on a true story, Petey is the heartbreaking but surprisingly hopeful tale of a boy born with severe cerebral palsy in the 1920s. His extreme physical disabilities meant that his 24-hour care consumed his parents' time, resources, and hearts at the expense of their other two children. As was common in cerebral palsy cases at the time, his parents also thought Petey had mental impairment due to his inability to communicate. When their son was two, they made the gut-wrenching decision to send Petey to a mental asylum, believing it would be best for him and their family.
The little boy spent the rest of his life in institutions, first in the asylum, then a nursing home, always at the mercy of others for his care. Punctuating his years of being "locked in" to his mind and body were surprising and joyous seasons of connection. A caregiver or fellow patient would discern the sharp mind and caring spirit trapped inside his helpless frame and befriend Petey. Overjoyed to have someone to understand him, share happy moments with, and show him love, Petey benefited greatly from these relationships. But the wise people who sought friendship with him gained more. Their lives and hearts were changed through Petey's thoughtful and unconditional love.
I love stories that demonstrate the remarkable resilience of the human spirit. But the book had a longer-term impact on me because it sparked my interest in studying friendship. It also compelled me to cultivate friendships more thoughtfully and to encourage others to do the same. We live in a world where loneliness is an epidemic, and many struggle to find joy. Petey's story revealed the universality of this "relationship by choice." The ability to make friends, or be a good friend to others, is available to all, regardless of circumstances.
Although we don't always have control over whether parents (birth or adoptive) are part of our lives or whether we have siblings, a spouse, or children, we can control whether we have and grow friendships. The potential to make friends is available to men, women, children, people from all nations, the rich or poor, the young and the old, the most intelligent to the least, sick or well, imprisoned or free. Except in the most extreme situations (I am reminded of the movie Castaway, where a man is deserted on an island alone after a plane crash), the only thing stopping us from enjoying this gift is our choice not to seek it and invite it into our lives or our selfishness or brokenness that drives others away.
We are wired to connect with other humans, not just those related to us by genetics, but also those who are not. Genetics are not in our control, but we have influence and autonomy over whom we befriend. Through these unique relationships, we figure out who we are, learn to be better versions of ourselves, and discover how to love others well. Friendships are often the primary conduit through which we find enjoyment in life.
For many reasons, a relationship with others isn't always easy to forge or maintain. In the book, Petey loses several close friends. As a result, he grew fearful of being hurt and resolved not to make any new friends. He learned that although becoming close to people was a gift, it could also cause pain: people die; they may move, disappoint us, or choose to end the relationship. Friendships require something of us; they come with responsibilities and risks. Choosing to be a friend means we may have to be available when we don't want to be; we may be called upon to do hard things, and we may have to say goodbye one day. But, as Petey ultimately discovered, friendship is worth the risks.
Friendship calls for selflessness, and therein lies its secret. Though these relationships of choice help us in tangible and intangible ways, paradoxically, they benefit us most when we are least concerned about ourselves.
The first and best example of universal friendship is God's, offered to humans at the beginning of creation and later through God's Son, Jesus Christ. This friendship has been the greatest of my life, giving me eternal life, earthly comfort, constant guidance, and peace. Being friends with God means that I am never alone in my soul. Relating to God teaches me to live for someone outside of myself and to seek the glory and honor of others over my own, even though I struggle to do this well.
Learning to be a friend to God and others is a lifelong endeavor. But the “looking outward” required by friendship ultimately brings great satisfaction.
At the beginning of creation, God said it wasn't good for us to be alone on earth - meaning He designed us to relate to other people. The gift of sharing life with others - helping each other when we are in need, encouraging each other when we are down or afraid, celebrating achievements and joyful moments together, being with each other when we are alone (even if we can only do it from a distance), and shining light so we can find our way in the darkness – makes life better. It makes us better. Most importantly, through these powerful human connections, we can share a glimmer of God's love for us with others. Not because we have to but because we choose to.
Even during a pandemic, separated from normal gatherings, we can seek and cultivate friendship. Creativity may be required. Distance may be advisable. But friendship can transcend any barriers. Just look at Petey.
How would you define a good friend? What friendships have had the most significant impact on your life? Have you experienced or read about a surprising friendship that transcended barriers? What do you think are the best qualities of a friend? Do you consider yourself to be a good friend? If not, how could you be a better friend? If you don't have friends, why not? What could you do to seek this universally available relationship? Have you accepted the friendship offered by God?